Skills and Spiritual Disciplines: Advanced active listening skills

The power of listening is much talked about. Ironic isn’t it. Most of us assume we have sufficient listening skills even if we are able to identify others around us who consistently use their advanced listening skills to improve the environments and groups that surround us. Is it possible to learn how to listen better? Will it improve our lives, our work, and even our faith if we learn how advanced listening skills? Today we explore the sublime of the simple, the complexity in everyday communication.

First off, let’s describe active listening (watch a video description here):
1.  Empathetic Listening: We are trying to understand where the other person is coming from, what they are feeling or being motivated by.  We are striving to deeply understand their verbal communication as connected to their circumstance, background, and emotional condition.

2. Acceptance:  It is critical that we accept what is being said in order to understand the speaker.  This does not mean that we agree with or condone what is being said or even accept it’s truth value.  This does mean that we are postponing judging what is being said for the benifit of maintaining objective listening.  This is very difficult, but will allow us to more completely understand the intent of the speaker.

3. Take Responsibility for Understanding:  If we desire to understand what is being communicated, it will require us to engage in listening activities like paying attention, interrupting to request clarification, watching body language, asking probing questions, and summarizing.  These actions allow the speaker to clarify, to fully articulate, to redefine statements or words, to place emotional emphasis where they desire to draw our attention.

4. Use effective listening techniques:  Eye contact, non-verbal behavior (including positive positions and negative distracting behavior), summarizing, and allowing appropriate non-verbal pauses are all ways to excel as a listener.  These behaviors can be practiced and used in nearly all communication every day.

Now we are ready to tackle advanced active listening skills.

Developing Empathetic Listening:
1.  Asking open ended questions
2. Recalling personal back ground that might effect the current situation
3. Not assuming that you already understand the entire message without a completely understanding someone’s motivations, emotions, etc.
4. Refrain from assigning motivations (they’re mad, tired, etc) until you know for sure.  Also be careful not to dismiss their expressed emotions or motivations.
5. Ask clarifying questions that allow them and you to explore areas that seem unclear.  They might need to talk out an area of their feelings on a topic and you might need to be better understand those feelings or those.
6. Be aware of your body language and how it communicates to them that they are being listened to and that you actually care about their communication.  If you don’t have time to listen, owning it and making arrangements for a better time.  Reinforcing positive gestures and postures.
7. Advanced empathy skills for attending group members only.

Developing Advanced Acceptance:

1.  Visual expressions are critical.  If facial expressions are in line with the content of the message or showing an interest in understanding more then they will open up more.  If facial expressions are letting them know they disapprove or are becoming angry or are shocked then they will tone down or stop the message.
2. Paraphrasing rather than parroting-back helps the communicator modify the interpreted version of their statements to ensure the message is understood.  Simply repeating back what was said does indicate that words were heard, but rephrasing allows the speaker to hear how their words are being processed by the listener.
3.  When emotions are being strongly experienced by the listener, there might be a need to acknowledge those feelings to the speaker while communicating a commitment or desire to work through those in order to really understand what is being said by the speaker.

Taking Responsibility for Understanding:
1. The more important the content of a message, the more the listener will strive to receive the message accurately.  As we take responsibility to really understand others’ messages, they will know their messages are valued and that they are valued.
2.  Team leaders who are growing in listening are going to create environments where people feel their ideas are heard and respected.  Those environments allow people to feel safe enough to share their ideas and also safe enough to support group decisions, even those they disagree with.

The Forum closed with short dance routine performed by guest interpretive dance expert, Leland Venticual.  Thanks for that.

 

Coming Jan 29th: The Truth Project

Have you seen it yet? …

 

Skills: Developing Goals that can be accomplished.

Setting goals can be a daunting task.  We sit and imagine what things we feel we should do or might do, but often we don’t discipline ourselves to set goals systematically, and frequently, we don’t set goals that we can accomplish.  One reason we don’t accomplish goals may seem positive.  Because we often don’t systematically think through our goal setting process, we often set goals about issues that are immediately on our mind.  Those often are not the only, or most important, goals we need to accomplish for our job or our life.  As months roll on, we adjust our tasks to the environment of our work or life and accomplish things we had not thought to tackle while setting goals.  The downside of this mode of operation comes in the likely pursuit of the urgent and the tyranny of the noisy.  A second reason we fail to accomplish our goals is that they are impossible to accomplish.  More accurately, they are not a clear target.  Often as we approach the completion of a goal, we are forced to decide whether we are close enough or not. This drains all the pleasure of success out of accomplishment.  Allow me two quick examples.  First, Bob sets a goal for 2009 to work out more.  By May he is running twice a month although he had hoped to be running twice a week.  He’s also using a stationary bike two to three times a month.  He feels like he’s failing.  Second example is Jill.  Jill set a goal for 2009 to read more.  Specifically, Jill plans to read five books from her own bookshelf before her August training classes start. By February 1st she hadn’t read anything, so she selected her first two books.  By May 20th, she was finishing those two, but knew summer would be challenging.  Jill carved out some evening time she had been watching a TV show to increase her reading time, and by August she was well into her sixth book.  She felt accomplished and was voted most well read by her training class peers.

So how do we set better goals?
1.  Better strategery for goal setting.
2. Setting MT or SMART goals.

Our Forum conversation focused mostly on the the second of these two items. We discussed how to create measurable, time-bound goals for things that don’t appear measurable.  Those discussions afforded us exposure to proxies, surveys, and other metrics.

Some web articles related to goal setting:

- Mindtools.com on Goal Setting (with video)
- WikiHow on Goals (not great, but hive-minded)
- A career blog on developing a good mindset before setting goals.
- An interesting PhD dissertation from Standford on the Psychology of goal setting.
Some audio casts to listen to on goal setting from www.managertools.com:

- Setting Annual Goals Part 1
- Setting Annual Goals Part 2
- Setting Annual Goals Part 3

 

Skills: Just Regentrification

Today we watched a 30 minute segment on Gentrification and it’s impact on the people that are affected by it.  Rather than post our fabulous discussion on it or try to summarize the video, please read Bob Lupton’s article here.

 

Book Review: The Five Dysfunctions of a Team

by Patrick Lencioni

Patrick Lencioni is a gifted story teller. That is probably an understatement.  His book format is simple.  The first half masterfully illustrates his hypotheses (usually insightful business principles), and the later half detail out specifically what the business principles are and how to apply them.  Don’t be tempted to skip to the back half of the book.  The narrative fleshes out the application of the principles which provides nessary context, and the front half proves a quick read.

In the 5 dysfunctions book, Lencioni shows a five tier pyrimod of a broken executive team, discusses how those levels interact and posits ways for team leaders to take the dys out of dysfunction.  According Lencioni, teams fail to reach their potential because they experience:

1. An absence of trust (due to invulnerability) which leads to …
2. A fear of conflict (as it tries to maintain an artificial harmony) which leads to…
3. A lack of commitment (allowing the team to accept ambiguity) which leads to…
4. An avoidance of accountability (drawing the team toward low standards) which leads to…
5. An Inattention to results (as team members focus on individual status and personal ego).

This is not the impossible death spiral it may sound like. In fact, as team leaders, we have a great amount of input into the reversal of these negative possibilities of a group.  We can foster groups that “trust one another, … engage in unfiltered conflict around ideas, [that] commit to decisions and plans…, [that] hold one another accountable…, [and that] focus on the achievement of collective results.” (p.190).

Patrick finish his book with many suggestions that are very pragmatic and achievable for combating these 5 dysfunctions.  From developing trust and understanding to encouraging accountability and fostering an environment of results orientation, several application principles are drawn out for each of the dysfunctions.  The starting point for a leader lies in vulnerability and honesty. All of the suggestions in team development depend on the development of trust, and the first step for any leader is to step out in front and risk for the sake of the team.

This is a great read for those that lead a team.  If you are taking on a new leadership role, then this book is important to read early in your new leadership role.  Most of us work with others as a team, so nearly everyone can benefit from this book.  I would recommend this book to every one of our staff members as a simple and yet profound book that can help us all work more efficiently and graciously to build the Kingdom of God in people’s lives.

Book information: ISBN-10: 0787960756, ISBN-13: 978-0787960759, 240 pgs, published by Jossey-Bass

Buy it from: Amazon, Barnes, or from Patrick himself (he’d appreciate it).

 

Skill: The Team

Last Forum, we used Patrick Lencioni’s book, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team.  It was impossible to take notes during the discussion, and rather than making a few notes I thought I’d try something new.  The book review.  So check out the book reviews of both the book we discussed in the Forum and The Four Obessions of an Extraordinary Executive by the same author.

 

Skills: Pam Harvey, Colorado Director of Not for Sale Campaign on Human Trafficking

Pam shared a story of oversees human trafficking on cocoa plantations.  Americans spend 13 billion on chocolate.  The major candy vendors have not made substantial progress on ensuring.  80% are women and children.  70% are trafficked into sexual slavery.  Slavery is second most lucritive crime in the world.  It’s happening all over the United States.  Some estimate 300,000 children in the US are enslaved.  Pam shared about what the trafficking looks like in Denver.  The truth of the matter is that many “good” people know about specific situations but chose to do nothing.

What can we do?

1.  Awareness.  Abolisionist estimate that it will take 10 years of awareness efforts to educate the general populous about the issue so that (like domestic violence in the 1960s).

2.  Get Invovled.  Pam detailed some organizations that are involved in directly working against human trafficking and some instances of people going into these fields (especially oversees). (http://www.ijm.org/, http://www.polarisproject.org/, etc)

What can we do here?

Gary Haugen’s books bring a lot of hope: http://www.amazon.com/Good-News-About-Injustice-Witness/dp/0830822240

Not for Sale has chapters: one meets at Greenwood Church, Second Wednesday of month. 7pm.  Next one is December 8th.  Next organized activity is to “adopt a truck stop” where members are going to bring literature and fliers at local truck stops to raise awareness among truck drivers who might come into contact.

IJM has a “Abolisionist Guide” for churches.  http://callandresponse.com/takeaction.html has a great number of places to get into.  Fair Trade coffee.  There are Fair Trade Certified product lists are available. More information at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fair_trade.

Conant has a hotline for Denver.  Polaris is doing a CSEC training for at risk young people around Denver.

Not for Sale has a Slavery map of the US.

More was discussed that I didn’t get to type in, but it was a great conversation.  Thanks to Pam Harvey for making it down to see us.

 

Skills: Reflections on the CCDA conference

The CCDA conference in Miami has concluded, and David Warren was able to share some of his reflections on the conference.  His class with Michelle on finances was well received.  David reviewed the Credit (reduction) Snowball [from Dave Ramsey] that they showed off at the conference.  Also the budgeting as a first step and the developing of emergency savings. Dave also reviewed the envelope and ledger systems for doing finances. David and Michelle will either represent this material at a Forum or at a ODM Staff meeting soon.

David’s class on the unresolved conflict downward spiral was done with Penny Salzaar (rather than Jude who was unable to be there).  These are items the staff of ODM have been talking about for sometime.  There is a very painful downward path of unresolved conflict.  Many times the problems have relationship to communication failures, unclearity, lack of focus or definition.  Talked about developing reconciliation with love and honesty.  David defined the word: troth. Leading with a Limp by Dan Alnender.

Rumor is that next CCDA will be in Cincinati.  Maybe Chicago after that, and maybe in next five years back in Denver.  One evening after the session they had a time for younger leaders (25yr to 40yr olds).  They are matching 20 of these younger leaders with mentors from their board.  The evangelical north american church is seeing growth among ethnic minorities. Several of the talks emphasized personal spirituality and maintaing their relationships with God.  Wayne Gordon challenged everyone to spend one-hour with God everyday.  Many people thought it was the best talk.  Brian McL. did not do a great job (from the estimation of our staff who attended).  John Perkins talked about gentrification and suburban is becoming more urban.  Perkins, Sider, Gordon, and Pizone wrote at book about urban, suburban connections.  The conference was good.  Anyone else have any comments on the conference?  Post them below…

 

Skills: Volunteer Development

Click here to see the presentation: volunteers

Today we were lead by Gary Mullins.

Gary attened Al Newells High Impact Volunteer Management seminary with some Here’s Life Inner City Folks in North Carolina.

Sacred Keys:  2 Timothy 2:2 – Be careful who you bring in.  His model: Recruiting, Screening, Equiping, Leading ( and contining to develop volunteer leaders ).  If you calculate (80-your age)x52, that shows they number of weeks you have left to live. 

BUGGSSPRAY = Biblical (Colossians 2:6-8), Urgency, Gospel, Grace, Simple, Spirit, Prayer.

Management Models: two axis graph, one with Volunteer Benefits (good feelings, etc) vs. Chruch Benefits. So the High Impact would maximize both the volunteer benefits with the church benefits. 

8 High Impact Principles
1. A volunteer is a “Child of God”
2. Human Stewardship
3. Transformed value (translating the cause)
4. Serving as a privilege
5. Capable
6. Essential
7. Fewer more productive
8. Purposeful growth

Motivating, Retention, and Effectiveness: Casting the Vision, Translating the Cause, Leading and Coaching.
Recruiting:  Communicating a Truthful, Compelling, Ministry Message to Discover Prospects. Proverbs 26:10 - Be careful who you hire.
7 C’s of Selecting:  Calling, Character, Chemistry, Competency, Commitment, Condition, Consistancy.

Training is more than orientation.  Training provides the necessary resources and communicat, develop, and transfer the attitude competencies and knowledge needed for the volunteer to do their ministry.

Developing Leadership and Leading:  Teamwork, leadership, recognition, goal setting, demonstrating value.

How do we translate the cause better?  Communication is key.  With new staff and volunteers we need to have a longer period of apprenticeship or mentorship with a more senior person to ask questions, better understand organizational values.  The feeling right now is that people just get dumped into volunteer situations.  Giving people the big picture and seeing how their activities will connect with the entire organization and how it will impact the Kingdom and their life with Christ.    Young Life volunteer opt was used as a good example.  They have pre-volunteer training and they work with people to see if they are really called to help out.  Maybe we need to have a tiered system for volunteers that has different processes for one time volunteers and those who will be with us longer.  How can we develop the right systems for bringing in volunteers and giving them what they deserve interms of input, direction, translating the vision, etc.

What systems to we need to put into place?  How will our context impact the “ideal” process? We have a number of people who want to volunteer, but we don’t know where to use them and how.  Jessica has started to be a central volunteer coordinator for ODM. So ODM ministry members need to be commited to getting Jessica the information about volunteer needs and also need to funel requests into Jessica.  Need to come together to develop a system that will work for the whole ministry. 

What’s our next step:
1.  Either appreciatation or communicating the mission.
1a. For a preschool volunteer who works with Kindergardners would get appreciation from seeing the results of her labor with current kindergardners
2.  Volunteer job descriptions.  Matt Smith offered up some examples that he’s using here (odm-youth-volunteer-description-01) and here (odm-youth-volunteer-description-02).
2a. Develop a TRYAD ministry volunteer job description.
3.  Start using 7 C’s selecting 
3a.  Maybe taping a paper with the 7 C’s to the front of applications as they are evaluated.

 

Skills: Raising Support Resource – The Body Builders

Hey Team, I’ve been getting these email newsletters about raising support for some time.  They are all archived on the organizations website, and you might find some of the topic inspiring, interesting, or otherwise noteworthy.  Enjoy:

http://www.thebodybuilders.net/srs/archives.html